drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
