i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
