I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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