miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize