if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
