Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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