his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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