so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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