big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
