A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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