The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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