Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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