i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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