You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
