And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
