I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
