it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
