Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
