please come you make the beer taste better
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
