I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
