ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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