Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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