Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
