I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
