Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You can't just leave with hair like that
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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