i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
