I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
