and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
