and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
