yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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