Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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