***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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