Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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