can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
