somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
