smell my finger.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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