what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
