my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize