if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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