Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So vagazzling was a success
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
