Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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