Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
