I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
