when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
