The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My vagina is officially offended.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize