My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
