My hand turned me down
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
