And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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