when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
