sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
