How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It's never too late to be topless.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
