I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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