I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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