Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
