Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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