Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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