Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
