you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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